42! A number in a score board, somebody’s plane seat number.... a number in a jersey … A mere unobtrusive number! What’s so special about it? Nothing maybe, but for me, it’s something that I’ve been dreading. I have turned forty-two May of last summer and before that day came, I think I had some emotional issues just waiting to explode.

The last time I saw my mother was thirty six years ago. To me, she was the most beautiful woman there was. I was seven years old then. She died at 42, leaving me and three other siblings. I was the third among us; our youngest was one-and-a-half years old when our mother went with our Lord. There were events in my life that I couldn’t remember at that age. But just as funny were events that I vividly remember as early as five, even four. Weird! My elder sister would tell me stories like, during the early months after my mother’s death, I would sit on top of the stairs at a certain time and just stare. I remember that I used to do that when she was alive. I would sit on top of the stairs and wait for my mother to come home from work for her “pasalubong”. Looked like the loss was so traumatic I had selected memory. There were still certain events that happened during that period that I couldn’t recall.

When I was already a mother, even if I don’t want to admit it, I have had hang-ups on turning 42. I was so scared of that number! I had this fear that just like my mother I’d die at the same age.  Crazy? …. Maybe.

Recently, that fear resurfaced with the death of my cousin. He was 42. We grew up together with another cousin of the same age. The three of us were born in the same month. My cousin who died was close to me not just because of our age but because he and his mom lived with us for more than a year. I felt so much anguish when I heard the news of his death. We learned he had cancer last September but from our last news he was doing ok. We did not know that his health deteriorated. I kept asking forgiveness from God for not finding the time to visit him. When we went to his wake I couldn’t contain the tears. I was so heartbroken when I saw his body in the coffin, I don’t really look at dead people but with this I did not have a choice because his coffin had a glass cover.

I believe death is inevitable. It will come to each one of us and for most the fear of it is very real. I am not afraid of it because I don’t know what will confront me or what I will come across on the other side. It’s more because of my children. I don’t want them to experience the feeling of loss and at times of being lost.

Wait. I might be painting a sad picture. I and my youngest brother do have a mother figure. Our eldest sister took the role that our mother left. We will forever be grateful to her. But there were adventures in the chapters of my life that I believe only a mother will be able to help and understand. I am by nature a cheerful person. I take things as they are when they come. Though I wouldn’t say going through the different phases of my life without a mother was a breeze. There had always been a void….the longing for the mother-daughter emotional bond.

I believe that all the experiences I went through in life have a purpose. The void I am talking about between me and my mother will never be filled but I am now filling this role for my children. I may have groped in the dark during my younger years feeling lost going through the pages of my journal, but my children need not go through theirs feeling alone.

I may never have had that mother-daughter relationship with my mother but I believe I turned out all right. Having an exchanged life is one of my secrets. Having the right attitude and perspective, knowing the correct principles and prayer helped me through my teenage life. Early in the lives of our children we as parents are passing on these principles that we have learned that they may also pass them on to their children.

Most parents want to protect and shield their children from harm, pain and heartache but these are part of life and as parents all we can do is prepare and equip them early in life to be strong when storms come, how to pick themselves up when they fall and also guiding them on how to handle their triumphs and successes.
 
I now know that my fear of this word “death” is unfounded. No parent need to fear leaving this world when they have equipped and prepared their children for life.

A toast to all the mothers out there….let us celebrate LIFE! HAPPY MOTHERS DAY TO ALL!!!

Scarlet,
Just like yin-yang, the author has two sides. A feisty woman as fondly described by her husband and a self-proclaimed ‘warrior princess’ but with the gracefulness of a swan that glides in the calm water of a pond. She is also an animated-film freak.

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